Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton SLAM Ferrari Cheats

Woah...!

I was looking forward to reading this article.  It's not often the two British drivers wear their hearts on their sleeves, so has the Daily Star got an emotional reaction from them?  What could they have said about the Ferrari incident this weekend?  Is it printable in a family paper?  Decide for yourself;
“I think team orders in Formula One are wrong, although sometimes they are inevitable."
Shocking stuff. Take that Ferrari!

Full article here (do not click link if you are under 18)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Simon 'Psychic Octopus' Jones

After I prised the other morning's Daily Mail from the brainwashed moron that is our work's PA, I found this in pride of place next to the story of footballer Joe Cole joining Liverpool FC:


The Daily Mail triumphantly crows that their transfer expert, ginger Dawn of the Dead extra Simon 'The Insider' Jones, had already told the world about this deal a whole two months ago.  This despite the fact that Roy Hodgson was only made manager of Liverpool at the start of this month. Or maybe as part of ex-manager Rafael Benítez's severance package, he can still chose who Liverpool sign?  It would not surprise me to be honest.

If I could offer one piece of advice to Jones with regards to all this, it would be: when making up a story, keep your employer's Chief Football Correspondent up to date with what is going on. This would prevent The Daily Mail from looking as though they are making it up as they go along and Matt Lawton from looking like a complete tit days before the transfer:

"The Falling Price of Cole Why Joe's Dream Bonanza at Arsenal, Manchester United, Liverpool or Spurs Looks Doomed"

Garbage from this piece include;
"... Cole would prefer to stay in London ..."
and
"...he may yet be tempted by a move abroad, with both AC Milan and Valencia reportedly interested."
Oh dear.

Now, let us have a look at some other Simon Jones 'exclusives' he has given the mail;

The Daily Mail, The Insider, June 2009

Tuncay Şanlı: Middlesbrough to Everton. Actually move:  Stoke.

Rob Hulse: Derby County to Middlesbrough. Current club: Derby County.

Ricardo Carvalho: Chelsea to Inter Milan. Current club: Chelsea.

A few more;

The Daily Mail, The Insider July 2009

David Silva: Valencia to Manchester United. Current club: Manchester City. Close Simon, I'll give you that.

Nemanja Vidic: Manchester United to AC Milan. This has been happening for about a year now. Current club: Manchester United, who today confirmed they agreed a long term contract with Vidic.

In that day's 'Insider Exclusives', Jones puts the dampeners on Joleon Lescott's move to Manchester City. Current club: Manchester City.

So, all in all, more lies in here than Tiger Woods' mobile inbox but not nearly as much entertainment.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Reputation for sale

The Capello Index, a website masterminded by Italian gambling entrepreneur Chicco Merighi and featuring ratings of all players in the World Cup using, according to the site, "an in-depth, objective and understandable analysis system", has had it's future put in doubt and is currently being taken down put back up taken down put back up.

The changing status and confusion seems to be over whether Fabio Capello (seen below) has anything to do with the site. This is odd to say the least.

'Ooo, I could crush a grape.'

The website is an alternative to reading about player's performances from hacks who were always picked to play in goal when they were younger, and instead employs Fabio Capello to use his experience as a manager at both club and international level to identify the attributes and qualities that make players valuable to a team. Working in conjunction with Chicco Merighi, he created a formula to objectively assess player performance beyond measurements simply based on gut instinct or raw statistical data.

We know this because at a press conference about the Capello Index at the London Stock Exchange, Capello said;
"I have sought to use my experience as a manager at both club and international level to identify the attributes and qualities that make players valuable to a team. Working in conjunction with Chicco Merighi, we have created a formula to objectively assess player performance beyond measurements simply based on gut instinct or raw statistical data." Fabio Capello

Strange then that Capello's agent, and son, Pierfilippo Capello should come out with this statement yesterday:

"My father knew nothing whatsoever of these ratings... He has never been paid, either directly or indirectly, for putting his name to any of this." Pierfilippo Capello

The website Fabio Capello has not received a penny from.


Nice of Capello to lend his image, name and reputation to something he earns nothing from.


For hire to promote YOUR website. For free, apparently.

It's almost as if realising it might have looked a little silly creaming £6 million per year, indirectly from English football supporters, whilst supposedly concentrating on being the first man to guide 11 gibbons to lift the World Cup, Capello has tried to back-pedal like he is attempting Colombière Pass.

It also demonstrates what a sad state of affairs this has all got to when the FA also feel the need to get involved , like a disappointed father, to clarify to us the responsibilities of a 63 year old England manager.

Still, when a site that claims to gain information from the current England manager yet thinks England forward Jermain Defoe has four 'e's and that England defender Ledley King now plays for Antigua and Barbuda, it's doubtful it will be missed.

Oh Fabio, we expected so much more.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Ranger's to be stripped of Scottish League title?

The Guardian certainly thinks so;

"Dimitar Berbatov capped a fine display with a goal as United beat the Scottish champions" http://www.guardian.co.uk/football 
We know that The Guardian doesn't really care for Scottish football, but this really is quite disappointing.

Ah well, back to photocopying for the 'Relationships' section young man.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Analyse, reflect and learn?

We have all had a few weeks to reflect on England's latest worst performance ever on a international stage. It must be time to re-group and look at why English football is in the state it currently is.
Is it time to look at why we seem to be behind countries such as the USA or even Ghana? Maybe it is time to really look at how we are teaching kids to play? Maybe having the richest and 'best' league in the world is having a negative effect?

We get Gary Neville's opinion in The Sun

 'Capello plays who at right-back?'
"Maybe we expect too much, although there is no doubt England are better than they showed in this World Cup. 
"The real failure was in the group stage - not finishing top cost England because we ended up playing Germany, not Ghana."
Make a note for the next World Cup: don't expect too much and avoid the good teams.

The Sun, always the optimist, have decided that we're not so bad, after all at least England scored twice when they played Germany:
"Asked if England should be considered better than the Argies because they only lost 4-1 to the brilliant young Germans, Lahm smiled: "You scored two goals!"" 
Reassuring words from Philip Lahm there. We just made more progress not being in the competition than we did in the last 44 years!

The News of The World decides that blame is probably better than a cure and go with:

"WAYNE ROONEY BLAMED FOR WORLD CUP DISASTER"

 'Errr...'

It seems everyone's blaming Rooney.  Except of course, it's the News of the World and they even have to write misleading headlines about their own articles.

A brief venture into the article and it becomes clear it was a poll of 1001 adults (most likely the dribbling morons we call 'NotW readers') that were asked to name England's worst player. Good job they weren't asked to name England's best player.

Then The Mirror gets serious and down to the real issues;
"Ashley's sex texts to model before England games"
Apparently Ashley Cole had been texting rude things to an unnamed young, blonde model. For the purpose of this article, we shall call her Geoff.

 Like she's surprised anymore.

Geoff claims that Cole;
"called an England performance s***"
That could frankly be at any point in the tournament.
A mere "Three hours after the game, which England struggled to win 2-1, Cole texted: "So where's my pic then."

There wasn't a phone ban three hours after a victory? Capello's disciplinarian reputation must be vastly exaggerated.
"Cole then demanded the model reply with a picture of her "t*** out"" 
It says something about our opinion of footballers that none of us are thinking that 'i', 't' and 's' are the missing letters in that quote.
"She added: "Any time I asked him about football he just wouldn't talk about it. It was clear he only wanted to talk about sex."" 
Really? No talk of 4-3-3 formations at all?

Given Cole seemed to be the only player that turned up, maybe every player should be given her number.

Read some good articles here:

"Glenn Hoddle's idea for change"

I'll update them as I get to them or when my boss stops looking over my shoulder.

Friday, July 2, 2010

England footballers murder rare bird of prey

When I say 'murder' I of course mean, 'indirectly and tenuously linked with the death of'.

And by 'rare bird of prey' I of course mean 'seagull'.

In the first of what may become a series called 'things that can be blamed on England's World Cup exit', the Sidmouth Herald reports that a seagull has died as a result of England's players being rubbish.


In order to protect the family of the seagull, we have concealed it's identity.
"A SEAGULL was shot dead in Seaton following England’s devastating defeat against Germany in the World Cup." Sidmouth Herald 28/06/10
Who could have possibly predicted that the effects of 'devastating defeat' would be felt as far as Seaton Post Office?

I will be keeping an eye on this story and if there is no update by next Monday, I'm going to start making enquiries.

That's a promise.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

England team told to be miserable until next World Cup

As if the England football fans hadn't been shamed enough after their countries utter humiliation in South Africa.

Not only is the tournament still carrying on without them but the players they spent thousands of pounds on going to watch, with the guarantee of success, are back home, laughing in our faces;


The Mirror and The Sun cover the story with The Sun jumping on the case with the above picture of Ledley King smiling at the ground crew.

The bastard.



Next to a cackling Ashley Cole (we've cropped him out to save you making a hat for your work mate with your monitor) we see get a picture of two 'heartbroken fans' who have just seen pictures on their iphone's 'England Player Current Mood App' of Ledley King at the airport. Look how angry they are. Or maybe they just have the sun in their eyes, not sure.


Just look at the devastation on this poor fellow's face. The emotion was obviously so overwhelming he only managed to pack eight vuvuzelas.
 "I've spent at least £4,000 getting here and sat through a lot of bad football." 'Devastated fan' Phil Byrne, from Gloucester, 28/06/10
 First time following England, Phil? He continues:
"The estate agent added: "The World Cup's over as far as I'm concerned."
To be honest Phil, that's called karma. Now back to flyboarding your local village.

The Daily Mail reigns in with the real devastation though; "WORLD CUP 2010: England flops smoke cigars and drink beer hours after humiliating defeat to Germany"


"Smoking cigars, feet up, smiling and relaxing with a few beers, you'd think this was a team celebrating a famous victory"
Oh no! Smoking and drinking! Who on earth drowns their sorrows like that?  Plus, I'm not sure what shit-stirring trio Christian Gysin, Tom Kelly and Tamara Cohen do when out celebrating but sitting about in a hotel looking glumly at each other isn't usually top of many people's list.

The Mail really pulls no punches either. Look at what else they uncover:
"Meanwhile his players also enjoyed a return to their pampered lifestyles, with Frank Lampard enjoying time with his TV presenter girlfriend Christine Bleakley and Steven Gerrard taking his wife, Alex, out for a leisurely lunch."
Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard enjoying their time with their girlfriend and wife?  Words cannot describe the contempt I hold for these monsters.
"Fleeing the country: Fabio Capello and wife Laura jet off on holiday just hours after the England manager returned from South Africa" 
Fleeing the country, like the unwanted immigrant foreigner Fabio Capello is.
"Unlike returning fans, the players were whisked through a VIP suite without having to pass through one of Heathrow's terminals - or face the waiting press."

I wonder why that happened?  As if enjoying time with your wife isn't bad enough, imagine the grilling they were going to get for not living up to the ridiculously high, false expectations that the press built up in the first place.

I don't know why they didn't save their effort and just look for big John Terry. He was bound to be crying.